tooth soup

Tonight, after listening to almost half an hour of R&B shit pumping out of the work van’s speakers I have decided to create a do it yourself list for any aspiring R&B kings out there.
Step 1) Get your neighbourhood child violin prodigy, get him to record around about 5-10 seconds of string play. This, when repeated over and over for the entire song, will create the base for you to add the rest of the components to.
Step 2) Pick a primitive grunt. This can be ‘ooh’, ‘aah’, ‘eey’; whichever takes your fancy. Now, get a whole bunch of your friends together and make around twenty different recordings of the grunt. Pick the one that sounds the most out of tune and crap.
Step 3) Taking the general rhyming properties of the aforementioned grunt, then make a song that has a word that matches the grunt at the end of each line. This is not so difficult if you chose ‘ooh’ as your grunt. Also, make sure that you have one particular line such as ‘I hate that ho’ or, ‘ I gonna knock you out foo’ that you repeat after every single line. This is incredibly important and is included in every R&B song.
Step 4) Before you record the lyrics, swallow a couple of rusty nails and smoke a few joints. This will give you that authentic gangsta sound.
Step 5) Now, put in some phat beats. This takes about half a second if you have a brain. So for anyone that actually wants to put together an R&B song, this should only take a few days…a week at most.
Step 6) Finally. Shove all of these together (violin, grunt, lyrics, beats) and then remix it. And remix it. Then release twenty different copies of the same song. One suggested version is to get some incredibly talented singer and put her on back up vocals. It sells like hotcakes.
Step 7) You’re finished. Sit back and watch the profits roll in.

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