tooth soup

And I’m on my computer, typing.

Noticed that Claire deleted or somehow hid her account here at IJ recently. Suppose that means I’ll probably never see nor speak to her again. Suppose that also means that I hurt her pretty badly. Can’t really think of anything to say about that.
If there was a chance that she’d read this then I’d send out an apology. But I think to myself now that that’s easy to type and she’d probably think that as well.

Went bowling tonight, with the gang. I was kind of out of it. I got annoyed at a lot of small things. I’ve been getting annoyed with things a lot lately. My brother, traffic, stupid sentences, my phantom dyslexia. Don’t know why. Though the aforementioned statement regarding the fact that I’m awake now and at my computer may have something to do with it. PPeople nowadays just have no respect. For themselves, for the sanctity of others. Or maybe it was always that way and being a kid prevented me from seeing it. In every basic action of humans you can see their desire to better their position amongst others. A lot of what we do, what we think we do to enjoy ourselves is just a play-act to further strengthen our position amongst others. The politics of friends.

I borke up with Claire because I believed that at the time it was the right thing to do by her and by myself. In the coming year I am not going to be having much time available that won’t be devoted to doing well at university. I’ve decided that I really need to get motivated and get back into learning. Except really learning like I used to love to do, way back in primary school. And to do that I need to be going at my own pace. And the only way that I can set my own pace is to make sure I’ve got enough slack up my sleeve to be able to go back and learn the things that I don’t quite grip properly. That’s a third of the reason. Another third is the reason why I sometimes lie awake at night before I go to sleep and wonder if I made the right decision.
I didn’t want her life to be stale. I’m a very unmoving person. I don’t change much and I don’t like change much. Shit – it’s taken me until this year to learn that new clothes are a good thing and that if you’ve had a shirt for five years you can probably say that it’s done its dash. I get into a rut and I stay in it. I didn’t want to impress that immovability on Claire. I wanted her to be able to explore and enjoy her teenage and 20-something years without that rut. I know, I sound like some sort of priest or Dad or something. Hence the sleepless evenings.
The last third is my future. It’s not going ot be here in Australia. There just isn’t enough funding behind Nanotechnology to be able to secure an intellectually and financially rewarding job. It just won’t happen. And when a job does come, I will be completely devoted to it. I don’t split myself well. I realised that when I got my current job down at the video store. I can’t maintain relationships with people well while I work. And between work and uni, I was never going to be able to give Claire the kind of attention that she deserves. “Girls need attention.”

Maybe if she reads this then that’ll help a bit. In the least she might think I’m a bit of an asshole. Which will help anyway.

In other news. I think obesity is getting out of hand here in Australia. I saw a group of kids bowling today and I couldn’t for the life of me work out whether this one kid was a boy or a girl. She/he was so chubby that I just couldn’t tell. I mean, it had man breasts/breasts? I just couldn’t tell! And there was a group of them. It’s times like those that you think about what the hell their parents are thinking when they see their child struggling for breath after walking down the stairs to get another can of soft-drink. ANd no, I’m not being crude. It’s the truth.

Anyway, It’s 1:40 am now and I’m going to sleep. I don’t think I’ll dream. But I’ll try.
Bye.

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