tooth soup

Ugh.

Back to uni.

Ugh.

When I look back at the holidays as a whole – comparing before and after states like a promising weight loss program – very little actually happened to me to change myself. Sure I worked a lot, got a new computer, briefly found a little companionship and moved out…but really, I’m back to pretty much exactly where I was at the start of last year. Restless, very lonely and stuck in a schedule for another year.

Ugh.

It makes you wonder exactly what the point of these interum years are. You know, the ones where you’re doing the same thing while waiting for something bigger to come along. For your degree to end, for your job to pick up, for your promotion to get passed, for your wages to increase, for your agent to find you a stage play. It seems like wasted time when you consider that a lot of the skills you are learning you would have forgotten by the time you need to be using them. I’m ready now! I have matured, I have grown, I have been in the fucking system long enough – get me out of here and give me something to goddamn do! And while you’re at it, make me an asshole ‘cos I’ll need that to get everything I’ve ever dreamed of.

Ugh.

Sorry. Got worked up there. All the old grievances (there you go Jen) come out on a night like this. Why am I still single, why am I always a friend, blah blah blah. Recognising them as a reoccuring feature in my brain doesn’t make them any less relevant to the way I’m feeling though. And it certainly doesn’t make it less of a chore for anyone reading this. Indeed, I’m sorry for the whining and whinging (the ‘g’ makes it oh so different). But the only reason that they are a reoccurrence is that I still have no answers to them. I don’t know why I’m left behind. I’m a duality of logic and intuition – it’s not like I’m a robot who can’t work out why a bone-crushing hug has rendered his loved one red and gooey. I can feel and right now I’m feeling shit.

Ugh.

Sorry. Happened again. Bah, damn self pity circuit is acting up again. Before it completely reroutes my brain I think I’ll go to bed.
‘night
Teh P.

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