tooth soup

I’m sitting in the new terminal room – that is, the computational chemistry room – wondering why on Earth I’m still here.

Everyone assures me that I’m not stupid, that I’m able to do well in this course. I’m still not sure though – I’ve never done anything like this before and it’s confusing and it’s frustrating. My supervisor looks at me (to quote Zoe) “as though I’m a Reecus(sp?) monkey”.

All this and I still stress over Louise. I love her, it’s true, but the physical side of things always makes my heart pound unhealthily. I can’t satisfy her. It doesn’t matter how many times she says that it doesn’t matter, that it’s her and not me. Every time she mentions going out with her friends I’m paralysed that some charming guy will pluck her out and pleasure her in a way that I can’t and that will be the end of that.

Is such paranoia normal? Most likely not.

I have no confidence in my abilities as a male. My understanding is that when you do something that should give pleasure, it should give pleasure! Everything I try, it’s like she’s lying there and not getting anything from it. I try and go down on her and she doesn’t like it. I’ve succeeded in giving her some pleasure with my fingers on only a handful of occasions (pun certainly not intended).

The other night I’m sure she drew attention back to her breasts only as a way to stop me fingering her.

The only explanation I can see is that I suck as a lover. And though I proudly claim practically no ego in day-to-day situations, the damage that all of the above does to my subconscious pride and self-confidence is immeasurable. I’m sure if there was any response from her at all (not fake, thank you very much) the aforementioned paranoia would dissipate into a mist swept aside by a careless breath.

If only the act of willing pleasure on someone translated to the physical state, she would be writhing on the floor somewhere right now – though her being at work might make it somewhat embarrassing.

Maybe she should have two boyfriends – one that can make her squeal with pleasure and myself…to do whatever it is that is keeping her with me.

I’m so damn pathetic. Even all of this is proof of my lack of manlihood.

This sucks.

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