distance.
by phill
Disclaimer: this one’s pretty introspective. Look away if you’re not inclined to tolerating self-indulgent rabble.
Over the past few months I’ve been quietly assessing my priorities. Every now and again I sit still and quiet, gather my thoughts, and consider what it is that I am wanting to do with the hours that I have remaining in this life. Because to me, that’s what it comes down to: what, given that I am a finite entity in this entropic universe, would I rather be doing?
It’s not an easy question to isolate. When I try and think about it, other considerations come barging in and I get distracted. Money, location, contacts, basic technical skill, time, money once more; all of these push me off course and into ever more fractal considerations until I’m not even sure where among the ferns the initial question lies.
I guess the purpose of this entry was to try and muddle my way through some choices and see what, if any, I could eliminate. I’ve done something similar in the past with a piece of paper and a pen, but I thought that if it were in a visible place, perhaps my will would be reinforced by imagined tut-tuts and disgusted glares at my ability to worm my way out of self-obligation. So here, I guess, I should start said muddling.
Writing. I have a weird relationship with writing, in that I don’t believe I’m particularly good at it, but I’ve persisted for longer than anything else that I don’t think I’m particularly good at (viola, squash, soccer, guitar (though I have ordered another one) 3D modelling, etc.). I’d go out on a limb and suppose that it’s because I’ve always read so much as a child and as a young adult, that I feel like that culture of worship of words is a part of me, no matter how much it wishes it weren’t. Thing is, the main part of writing that I like is the creation of ideas. I am an incredible ideas man. I come up with at least one question, notion, or thought a day that might turn into a story, but never does. I love thinking about writing these ideas out, how each scene would unfold, how each character would change and find themselves new after nine pages or nine years. I tell the story in my head in its completeness, but when it comes to recording it on paper or in a text box, well, it’s already been told hasn’t it? Stupid, stupid logic, and I need to snap myself out of it.
Of course, that isn’t the only reason I don’t end up putting my ideas on paper. I get distracted easily. An unfortunate byproduct of being born near the turn of the 20th century is the multitude of distractions that are on offer twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, three-hundred and sixty-five days a year. By the time I finish writing this, I will have loaded up approximately twenty or so other web pages, checking for updates, news, or snippets of entertainment. See? I just now checked my bank account online. Distraction is convenient, and seductive. What are my main distractions? Well, those who join me from the annuls of deviantART will know that I am a long time user there. I would say, conservatively, that dA constitutes around 80% of the distraction I encounter on the internet. The rest of the 20% is made up, order from greatest to smallest, of: stories read on Boing Boing, Poe News, or Slashdot, the daily check of webcomics, maintaining this blog, email, and instant messengers. So dA is a big part of my online distraction. It probably deserves its own paragraph to discuss its influence on my desire to write, so hit ‘Enter’ twice please, maestro.
I’ve already discussed what I believe my deviantART journey has consisted of so far in this entry. Looking back at it, I do still believe that deviantART can be a positive resource for improving basic skills and getting feedback on stories, style, etc. Especially for new writers, attaining confidence to continue to write can be difficult, and dA offers that in spades, even if your writing is terrible, if you get involved in the community, you’ll find someone who likes it enough to give it a ‘:)’. And that tiny, potentially insignificant emote can give you every bit as much confidence to persevere that selling a million-copy best seller might. Anyway, I don’t want to repeat my advice given back then, so I’ll cut that stream short and take it up with my current position in relation to it. The short story is that I let myself get aggravated by events that I shouldn’t've, and that shifted my attitude towards dA from being a place to hone my skills, to being a dark wood full of drama and bullshit. Though this label has been more than adequate to describe it in many situations, it’s not fair to generalise as, like I said, it’s been good to me in the past. Though there were definitely faults in the administration of the site, I maintain this as strongly as ever before, getting involved in that sort of thing was never what I was there for. Unfortunately, the bomb has been dropped, and the place will never have that clean optimistic feel to it again. Of course, I could just start a new username (I have done this, but people keep finding me out/I’m not very good at subterfuge) and enter clean again. What I am leaning towards, however, is a distancing from it. The reasons for this are twofold:
- The aforementioned ‘tainting’ of my ability to work there without getting caught up in crap.
- My interaction with the site is cutting into my writing time, and that is both counter-productive and inexcusable.
Like Kelly said:
“Jesusbite (a former user) had the same issue with this site. If it cuts into your actual creative writing time, then you need to cut back on this site. Priorities, son.”
Which seems the best way to summarise all of what I’ve said above. So, moving on, and away a distance from dA.
This brings me to games. Anyone that knows me in real life (and the couple hundred or so that have played any number of online games with my multiple alter-egos*) knows that I love games. Lately, my obsession with them hasn’t been as prevalent as it has been in recent years, which I think is as a result of me cold-turkeying myself on a few of the games that might have turned into life-consumers (and one that managed to get its claws in me, before I woke up one afternoon and straight up uninstalled the motherfucker). At the moment all I’m really playing is Team Fortress 2, which has the attractive characteristics of being the most fun I’ve had for a long time, and also being incredibly easy to ‘put down’ if you feel the desire to re-enter real life. So no problems there, though once Hellgate: London grows up and becomes a full-version game, progressing past its current released beta state, I’ll be putting a few hours into that. And, of course, Smash Bros. Brawl will be making its way onto Wii consoles soon (though there’s a release date issue with EU countries, which includes Australia for some reason). I see SBB as more of a social outing than a gaming session anyway–allegiances rise, fall, and shatter, and the sweetness of the win is akin to a good session of fucking. So gaming is check for now and I’ll continue to enjoy it as a way to relax, without dipping my toes into addiction-infested waters.
University is an obvious ‘distraction’. I’m really enjoying it, and I am actually required to get this whole PhD thing done so that I can get a fancy title and cheaper flights (or so I’m told). The first year has swum by without me really noticing it, and it’s now that I realise that I’m in the deep end. I’m staying afloat, but it’s still a long way to the bottom, and there’s a worrying blot in the shape of a fin that seems to be rising to the surface slowly. Metaphors aside, I am currently under the pump (mine, my supervisors, whoever) to get some work done and get it done properly. I feel that I am now more than ready to do this, and have been slowly progressing to a more productive day spent in my office and around the campus. Positives are to be found there.
Louise could be considered a distraction, but I need her, plain and simple. Nothing more to say on that one.
Okay, so there’s a lot more that’s been said in my head than has been typed out into this field, but I think that’s enough for now. I’ll leave the triangular intricacies for my brain to work on its spare time.Now, time to fucking write.
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* including, but not limited to: ender, aestivalis, prankster trippin’, gus, flax, and more recently fLx_-
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Comments
The worst thing is being distracted by ideas that bear no relation to the pieces you should be working on.
The distracting power of dA is one of a myriad of reasons I limit my participation on the site. Oh, I still haunt the forums, and I sometimes read/look at the work in my watch. But I never comment, and I haven’t posted any work since 06.
Oh, look, I am commenting in your blog.
I find being online in general both a necessity and a huge distraction to writing. dA has been fantastic for getting feedback on things, and as you say – a single comment is enough to make me want to write more. The problem is those comments should be two way, and if I’m reading and trying to make constructive comments on other people’s work, I’m not doing my own writing, which is and should be my first priority. As you’ve found, there comes a point where you’ve got to pull back.
I’m totally a distraction ;)