‘sup Spring Valley, how’s Jesus?
by phill
Some of you may think I have something of a vendetta against Cadbury-Schweppes for their supporting of this plain fruit drink with its ludicrous advertising campaign. I wrote this particular post a little while ago when I discovered that a suit with the mind of a new-age hippie had been scrawling horribly conceived hipster bullshit on the side of My Goddamn Fruit Juice.
I was content to leave it there; vitriol expelled, rant completed. Unfortunately, Spring Valley decided to give it one more poke and provide us with this little gem of a 9:03am wakeup call:
That’s right folks, married people are happier than anyone else. A quick run through the list of things that are utterly wrong with that goes something like this:
- Where are your cited references? Country of origin? Demographic? Species?
- Does that mean that single people are sadder than anyone else?
- Does that mean that people in defacto relationships are in actual fact totally depressed?
- What about cultures in which people are forcibly married? Does this provide them with untold riches of glee?
- Uh oh, that brings up the question of couples who can’t legally be married. So gays are all miserable sods? Woohoo for homophobes!
- What sort of marriage? Can I be married under the church of Satan and still achieve this happiness?
I could go on for days (and probably will, look out if you bump into me in the street). Whoever approved this ridiculous lump of text deserves to be fired. Along with the dickhead that approved the other ‘liddle fact’ decrying that the Earth is not spherical (obviously), it’s pear shaped. Pear shaped. Like a pear. Sorry, but the Earth DOESN’T HAVE BOOTY. Maybe the word you’re looking for is elliptical or, if you want to be actually accurate, ‘oblate spheroid’ may suffice.
Anyway, heaven forbid Spring Valley ever realise they’re selling something that needn’t have all this un-fucking-believable bullshit attached to it. It’s juice. Sell it as juice. Not Einstein, or a panel show, or a new-age hipster. Fucking. Juice.
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Comments
Bahahahahah. Perhaps you should buy another kind of juice? Might stop you from having a heart attack at 23. =)
Honestly though? Social commentary on a juice lid? They can fuck right off.
Hahaha. Need to stick to Carlton Draught’s lids. They even have questions about linux on those now.
Can you send the lid back to them with proof of the opposite please? Just to see what happens.
Just spoke to a guy at work who said he’d be more likely to buy them to see what the other “facts” are. I shook my fist at him.
It’s annoying, but that’s how advertising works: by engaging with and fostering mainstream beliefs. The idea that marriage somehow solves everything has been around for centuries. Like Hippocrates who believed that women could be cured of what he called “hysteria” (the mental illness said to arise from an unstable and moving uterus) if they got married and had children. And I’m sure he wasn’t the first.
Life would be simpler if they stuff to saying, “Hey, we make nice juice!” But Spring Valley (?? I’m not familiar with them, sorry) is probably making money out of those “Liddle Facts”. They wouldn’t be doing it otherwise. And who’s going to say no to money?
That said, I prefer ads that challenge steretypes/platitudes rather than those that support them. The former tend to be cheekier and often, healthier, than the latter form of advertising.
you know there’s every chance they’re taking the piss, right?
If that’s the case, they’re doing an awful bad job at it. This is roughly around the level of unfunny that Paul McDermott regularly obtains.
Oh, I’m not saying it’s a wrong marketing decision financially (or maybe I am, I’m not too certain), but it’s more the case that some people will look at these ‘facts’ and go “Ohhh, I never knew that, wow, I’m going to say that at the next dinner party I’m at!” and the stupidity will be propogated.
Reinforced, not propogated. (I’m ttly nitpicking :P )
Reinforced in their mind, yes, but also propogated through the population that they come into contact with at dinner parties, like some sort of stupidity virus d:
What? Paul McDermott isn’t funny anymore? …Oh that’s sad..
Was he ever? Pretty sure his panelists stole most of the show on GNW :/
Do you own stock in this company or what?
Seriously? Fucking seriously? *head splodes*
If I did, I’d want answers as to why they’re throwing away money on this BS. Though as Aditi’s pointed out, if it didn’t net them some more dosh, they wouldn’t be doing it.
Hi, I found your blog on this new directory of WordPress Blogs at blackhatbootcamp.com/listofwordpressblogs. I dont know how your blog came up, must have been a typo, i duno. Anyways, I just clicked it and here I am. Your blog looks good. Have a nice day. James.
Wrong James, his blog doesn’t look GOOD – it’s fucking awesome. And you’re just unwilling to admit you purposefully sought it out. tTpo my ass, it wasn’t a typo unless you type like an arthritic baboon
I believe you’re a SPAM MONKEY! Sent out to do the bidding of your evil overlord Zerlatet, your spreading his foul sermon to the 4 corners of the intarwebs by advertising in Phil’s comments. Please do us all a favour – go home, fill up your bath tub, have a nice warm bath, plug your toaster into the wall outlet, and then drop it in the bath with you,