Routine
by phill
photo credit: kevindooley
I’m okay, really.
It’s just the Thesis-with-a-capital-tee. The last three years stretch out behind me as much as they stretch out in front of me, cascading down an open LaTeX document to pool in a .pdf. There is much work still to be done and much thinking to be thought; and not just about chemical reactions and atomic structures. Big questions that refuse any attempt to find a crack, an entry point into their discussion. Questions like ‘what will I do when I finish?’, and ‘what happens if I can’t find a job?’ float above my head like some impenetrable zeppelin, and I fear that the only way to bring them down will be a conflagration born of stress and friction.
But really, there are worse positions to be in than approaching the end of a PhD. And I still have my friends, and my writing, and my amazing girlfriend. And my family, a notion that is becoming increasingly complicated thanks to my father’s journey into a twisted attempt at self-redemption. I’m not even sure he knows what he wants out of this renewed relationship. Affection? A Place To Be? Anything, perhaps, but anonymity. I don’t know. I see to much of other people. See to easily their motivations. Sometimes I wish I could just judge and be done with judgement, snap goes the hammer, and no taking it back. Ah, well. I’ll keep seeing him, and wondering when the truth will emerge, or at least his version of it. History is indeed a funny thing, memories even more so. I don’t remember things he’s said, or I remember things we did that he thinks we did differently. Whose version is correct? I was too young and he was too drunk. Memory and history are as reliable as the coastline sand each features strongly in my head.
Anyway. I am still alive. There is still far more to come, and I am looking forward to that. I am looking forward to finding out what it is I will do. I am looking forward to doing it. But in the meantime, I will carve my routine into the days. I will continue writing my Thesis. And I will continue writing my stories. And I will continue seeing my friends and playing my games. And I will eventually realise that the meantime is something that shouldn’t be wasted, and now can’t wait forever. And then we’ll see what happens.
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