Two articles were
recently brought to my attention via the Twitterz: Amber Sparks’ ‘The Influence of Anxiety‘, and Kirsty Logan’s response at the Pank Blog, ‘This Modern Writer: Youth Is All’. You should all go and have a read, but if you’re of the busy-busy persuasion let me sum it up for you. Both articles* explore the anxiety and distress that can be caused by the relatively new world of social networking, as applied to emerging writers. Everywhere on social networks (herein known as the so-netz), people are boasting about their word counts for the day, how many chapters they’ve edited of their fifth novel, who they just met at the festival they were invited to attend. It’s enough to give an early-career writer a serious bout of self-doubt. And it does. Like every single person in the comments on Amber’s article, I too suffer from this constant self-evaluation, and the subsequent lacking I observe in my achievements. And the so-netz that I am a part of are veritable land-mines of success. Twitter is constantly feeding me the proclamations of milestones met by established authors and emerging/emerged writers alike. To be clear, I don’t begrudge them that. Just like Amber and Kirsty, I enjoy the interaction. But see, for example, my ‘about’ page and the publication credits therein. A handful of flash fictions, a couple of short stories. Compare that to the lists of the two amazing writers who wrote those articles. And they’re anxious about not having achieved enough? Fuck me, I should be practically catatonic with insecurity.
The whole discussion reminded me of the excellent article that Tracy Lucas wrote back in July, entitled ‘How to make 100% sure you never get your big break as a writer’. It’s uncanny how closely my thinking has followed Tracy’s. My quest for validation had much humbler origins: I set goals of favourites and comments on the art/social website deviantART as my first step towards being considered a ‘real writer’. From there it was publication in an e-zine, and then publication in a ‘real’** paper magazine, and then publication in a real magazine that had also featured one of my favourite writers (I haven’t met that one yet), and so on and so forth. Each validation didn’t seem like it meant anything. They still don’t, if I’m honest with myself***.
But the thing that struck a chord and motivated this post was that, for me, all this self-doubt and need for validation isn’t even limited to my creative writing. It is also evident in my thoughts about my education and skill set. I have always felt as though I am constantly behind the bell curve. I’ve tried justifying this feeling in myriad ways: I was never in the top of the class because there were real geniuses in my cohort, my Ph.D. project is a failure because it’s fundamentally intractable, I’ve been unlucky with circumstances beyond my control. But all these justifications feel like excuses for the fact that I am just not as good at this as other people. And, like the writers in the articles, my comparative youth is no longer an advantage. Honours students are getting published in A-star journals. Undergraduates understand the theory I use better than I ever have. Where are my advantages now? How can I compete with the next generation of smart, motivated, better qualified graduates?
This is my daily thought routine. An exercise in self-examination and, let’s be frank here, self-pity that I know I should be able to snap out of and get on with it. Tracy Lucas suggests checking yourself against the goals you set, making yourself accountable for your successes as well as your failures. That’s good advice, and I’m going to try it out. But there’s a flip side to it, in that I am fearful of what my reaction might be if I don’t reach the goals I set. Will I just collapse? Or worse, not care and just continue on not meeting my goals.What in the hell are my goals, anyway? Am I trying to be a successful researcher? Should I? Or should I step away and try and focus on getting a job that makes use of my writing skills? Will that close off any future interest in getting back into research? How do people make these decisions, if they make them at all? Or does everyone just take the next logical step without giving due consideration? Lots of questions. It could be the case that I’m reading way too much into this, but then, that’s me. That’s my way of doing things, just ask Louise. The number of times I’ve nearly screwed our relationship up by thinking too hard about it, well, it’s more than I can count on two hands.
I’ll be the first to admit that there are external factors contributing to all this. I’ve had to deal with a lot of emotional stress in the past couple of months, and that will always spill over into other areas. But this is something I’ve been feeling for years now, and so I tend to think that it’s a real thing that has been brought to the surface by the catalyst of pressure. Just like alcohol brings out truths, only less fun. Of course, there’s a possibility that this is all a product of me being a twenty-something, and all the uncertainty that comes with it. And I’m well aware that finishing my thesis will bring a lot of clarity to these questions–it’s hard to see when there’s a big chunk of blank paper waiting to be filled blocking your vision. I guess I just needed to get this out there. Writing is, after all, my catharsis. But if there’s any ring of truth in any of this, I’d love to hear your experiences and views on it.
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*Yes, I’m calling them articles rather than blog posts. Get over it.
**I know, I know. E-zines are just as real as paper magazines. We all know this, don’t get in a huff, it was just my way of thinking back then.
***This is absolutely not meant to be insulting to those fine folks that have published my work. It’s just the way my brain works, please don’t take offense.
Definitely sharing the concerns at the moment mate. Even though trying to find a job and somewhere to live rightly have priority at the moment, I still feel like I should be doing more writing and comedy, being more successful and “achieving”.
I read a book called “102 Free Things To Do” awhile back, and one of the most striking suggestions was “Stop seeking the approval of others” – I just wish it was that easy
@Red: It’s a damn sight harder to do when our entire society is based around it. I think Tracey’s advice is the most applicable at the moment. Take yourself for example: you’re maintaining an awesome blog, you’ve done what a lot of us would never do and stood up in front of a crowd of strangers and made them laugh, you’ve moved to a completely different country (something that half of Perth will never, ever do). I guess it’s about putting it in perspective.
This struck a chord and i’m about to publish my 2nd novel! Professional insecurity comes from within and you can’t beat it by comparing yourself to others. there will always be some 12-year-old with three PhDs and a Nobel.
I try to think collaboratively, not competitively. If the goal is writing better, then everyone else writing and thinking better means everyone wins. We are in this together.
Besides, everyone on Twitter is lying about their word count to prop up their own insecurity.
@Jen(jen): I like your way of thinking collaboratively, that’s a really positive way of going about it. I think I take that approach with my closer writing buddies. I’m genuinely excited when the guys in my writing group get pieces published or placed in competitions.
I think it’s receiving the overall state-of-the-writer in my inbox every day that gets me down. I guess for me it’ll probably come down to limiting the digital noise when I want to get stuff done. That way I’ll remain the centre of my world and retain my ego for long enough to finish things and send them off.
Thanks for the comment and the encouragement, muchly appreciated. (:
Thanks for the honesty Phill. And the links to those very interesting articles.
Your insecurities are justified in so many ways, yet I can’t help thinking to myself “Wha? He’s friggin talented at writing. How can he be insecure about that?” In fact, to make you feel better (or worse), you would be included in my list of writers that have achieved more than me. (as my GP once referred to it, professional envy, or something.)
As a repeat offender of what you’ve described, all I could possibly say is, you did a really good thing by writing about it here, because a) it will hopefully have helped you articulate and address it in a way that helps you deal with it, and b) gives you a chance to hear how many others are out there feeling just as anxious as you about the writing, er, rat race.
It’s hard though, because the very qualities (i.e. overthinking, constant need to better oneself) that are critical to the act of writing, are the very things that can be so paralysing.
You’re kind of on the money with the whole keeping in perspective thing. Focus on what you HAVE achieved rather than comparing yourself. Trust me, it works much better as motivation.
@Elena: I had considered that posting this would be essentially knocking on the panic to people that might consider themselves even less ‘emerged’ than myself, but I went with it anyway. So I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel the same way as how I felt when I looked at Kirsty and Amber’s lists of publications. That said, I see you as a very able critic with a lot to offer, so please don’t let it get you down.
“It’s hard though, because the very qualities (i.e. overthinking, constant need to better oneself) that are critical to the act of writing, are the very things that can be so paralysing.”
This is so true. It’s tough to walk that line between comfortable introspection and painful self-analysis. I guess part of being a writer is learning how to balance that.
Anyway, yeah, I’ll definitely be trying to recognise my achievements as well as my failures more in the future. Starting with a big piece of A3 paper and a sharpie this weekend, scribbling down everything worthwhile I can think of that I’ve ever done. I might post it here if it isn’t too much of a circle-jerk. ;P
For the past few days I’ve been thinking about this post and the articles you linked. Ironically, I nearly didn’t comment because PUBLISHED WRITERS had commented and who was I to join in such a discussion?
Then I slapped myself.
I can’t really add much except to say that I fully agree with almost everything stated above. Self-doubt and insecurities are always heightened by Twitter and Facebook and all the other websites like NaNoWriMo and so on. I go through months where I’m convinced everything I do is awful, then weeks when everything. Usually the good weeks are when I’ve been ignoring the internet for a while. Funny about that.
I think as a writer it’s just too easy to short-change yourself. It’s like a giant neon light saying ‘NOT GOOD ENOUGH’ over your head, no matter what ‘level’ you’re at. And it’s horrible.
The best thing I’ve found to combat all those fears is a small group of friends I’ve been writing with for about six years now. We post our work on a locked forum and give each other honest critique and encouragement – but we also hold each other accountable for insecurity, achievements, writing quality and raising writing standards without raising self expectations through the roof. We’ve all improved so much, without the competition of ‘Oh, I wrote 80,000 words today.’ ‘Yeah? Well I wrote a five-stanza poem with my toes.’ Having that safety net, as it were, helps so much when facing insecurity and self-doubt.
It’s far too easy to be unfair to yourself, and not just in writing.
Sorry to hear you’ve had a rough few months. Hope things improve soon. :)
@Lucy: Thanks mate, I’m glad to hear that you have that safety net. And you are a great writer, don’t ever doubt that. :)
Hey there! Well, this is interesting. I came to your blog for the first time today through a Twitter link about your advice post to fledging writers (which I also shared in a few places, by the way; it’s a good one.)
I scroll through a few other posts looking for a way to subscribe, and found you quoting me.
This is a small, small Internet.
Glad to meet you. :)
@Tracy: Heh, it is! I’ve followed a lot of what you’ve done through Todd–not stalking, honest! He just tends to put up a lot of links from things your way. :) So it’s nice to meet you, too.
@Phill — Oh, no, no stalking assumed. I’m honored.
And Todd’s a loyal friend. Good guy, that one.