Kissing the Witch by Emma Donoghue, recommended to me by Katrine as a response to the very first vlog. As you’ll find out if you watch, I really enjoyed it! I also give a round-up of some collections I’ve read, including my final opinion on Bob Franklin’s Under Stones. Anyway, hope you enjoy this episode. And if you’ve read any of the stuff I’m reading, or if you have any more recommendations based on what you think I might like, let me know in the comments!

Books reviewed in this episode:

Bob Franklin’s Under Stones

Black Inc.’s The Best Australian Essays 2010

McSweeney’s The Better of McSweeney’s, Vol. 2

Emma Donoghue’s Kissing the Witch

Related posts:

1. vlog# 2: JPod by Douglas Coupland
2. vlog#1: life, reading, and editing

photo credit: Pragmagraphr

Sorry for not

getting this posted as quickly as usual, but I was just so seething with geek rage last night as I watched this episode. Also because I accidentally missed the show while playing FIFA10 and had to stream it half an hour afterwards. But I’ll get to the rage later. First, Tim.

Episode opens with the beauties that aren’t Tim learning they’re going to be debating stuff  in a court room. The geeks that aren’t Tim attempt to illustrate the finer points of law, while Tim takes the smarter route and attempts to teach Tim’s beauty that isn’t Tim how to speak for long periods of time without sounding like there’s a tumble weed down her throat. Unfortunately Tim’s beauty that isn’t Tim gets upset because she doesn’t quite have the vocal range of Tim. Tim’s beauty that isn’t Tim should be less concerned; imitating perfection is pretty much impossible. Tim’s Yoshi becomes the most envied plush on Australian television.

Afterwards, the beauties who aren’t Tim attempt to teach the geeks who aren’t Tim what flirting really is. Tim is not present as he is already the master of all body language. He can read you like a book, and probably already has. Beardy geek that isn’t Tim is with one of the twin beauties that isn’t Tim. Beardy says that he enjoys spending time with Ellie, condemning a kitten to death-by-milliner. My rage begins to simmer. Beardy makes out with twin. DUN DUN DUUUUN.

Next day is the courtroom challenge. All the beauties that aren’t Tim are dressed like that office girl you’ve always wanted to bang. The disparity between debates is pretty ridiculous, ranging from a discussion of socio-economic policy to whether kissing on the first date is cool. One of the twins that isn’t Tim confirms what we’ve all suspected: every single one of the geeks that aren’t Tim are firmly in the friends zone. Beardy geek that isn’t Tim wants to raise an objection. My rage continues to simmer, letting out an occasional hiss as bubbles rise to the surface and release angry vapour everywhere. Will definitely get to him later in this post. Tim’s beauty that isn’t Tim wins the courtroom debate, which means for the second week running I have no sense of tension for the remainder of the show. But Beardy geek that isn’t Tim has my ire up, and I continue watching anyway.

In downtime between challenges, Tim gains an enormous amount of geek cred by starting up a game of D’n'D and being the DM. Fuck yes, we love you Tim. Also Tim gets a bit of a funny feeling about Beardy geek that isn’t Tim, that perhaps he’s too good with the ladies to be a geek. Conversely, the beauties that aren’t Tim have some kind of weird spa time where twin that isn’t Tim tells the other beauties that aren’t Tim that she made out with Beardy that isn’t Tim. Tim’s beauty that isn’t Tim gets angry and upset (again). She calls Beardy that isn’t Tim a fraud and a deceiver and OH MY GOD MY RAGE CANNOT ME CONTAINED ANY LONGERRR NRRRUUUUGHHYYYRRHHAAAAARGH

BEARDY YOU ARE A FUCKING FRAUD. FROM THE MOMENT YOU STEPPED ONTO THIS SHOW WE KNEW YOU WERE A FRAUD. WE CAN SMELL OUR BRETHREN AND YOU ARE NOT ONE OF US. YOU ARE TO BE SCORNED AND RIDICULED FOR YOUR TRANSPARENT ATTEMPTS AT SEEMING NERDY AND INTELLIGENT. YOU EVASIVE MOTHERFUCK.

Ah, man. Okay. So everybody seems to hate Beardy geek that isn’t Tim, which is as it should be. Onto the geeks’ challenge for the week, which is WHAT THE FUCK WHO MAGAZINE MODELLING OH MAN. The photo shoots are awkward as all fuck, and Hawaiian T-shirt enthusiast that isn’t Tim is a dead fucking ringer for the Pale Man from Pan’s Labyrinth. Finally it gets to Tim and

TIM’S

HAIR

IS

FUCKING

AMAZING

I think you can all agree. Hottest picture ever. Definitely buying a WHO magazine, despite myself. The unveiling of the finished products reveals a mathematician that isn’t Tim as the winner, and he compounds his win with an Old Spice reference. FIST POUND THAT SHIT RIGHT THERE.

Nominations are next and Tim’s beauty that isn’t Tim completely SERVES THE SHIT out of Beardy geek that isn’t Tim. And what does Beardy douchebag that isn’t Tim try and do? DEFEND HIS ACTIONS! IT was like watching some vile rodent opening its mouth to spew forth patronising, toxic sludge. WHAT THE SHIT. Dude, you better be thanking your beauty because she stopped you from making EVEN MORE OF A TOTAL TOOL of yourself on national television.

So the questions are just as ridiculously disparate as the courtroom challenges (attributing some random quote to Kate Moss versus answering a question about Zoolander that had FOUR DIFFERENT AND CORRECT ANSWERS) and country kid that isn’t Tim and the twins that aren’t Tim are out. Fuck I hate that greasy Beardy mess that isn’t Tim. But someone’s got to keep an eye on him and call him out, so I’ll be tuning in next week to do that, and also mourn the loss of Tim’s beautiful locks.

No related posts.

photo credit: Pedro Glez.

Alright, time for

episode to of BatG:A, or BatGeek Australia as I’ve come to refer to it in my head. New credits this time around, with all the geeks and beauties looking like they’re having a pretty awesome time in spas and such. God Tim’s hair looks amazing. Anyway, show starts and cut to Hawaiian T-shirt guy that isn’t Tim  is making breakfast for his sleeping beauty that isn’t Tim. He knocks over a bunch of flowers. This is the guy that said that he already loved sleeping beauty that isn’t Tim. He has no idea what he’s doing or what these feelings are. But he can make a pretty mean breakfast of…toasted sandwiches? Why on earth would anyone have toasted sandwiches for breakfast? That’s a LUNCH TIME thing, Mr. Hawaiian T-shirt enthusiast that isn’t Tim. Sleeping beauty that isn’t Tim thinks that her geek is incredibly sweet and even sweeter because he doesn’t really know that he’s sweet. And let me step back from the show for half a second here just to make my position on this clear:

Geeks: You can do sweet things like this for a girl. It’s completely awesome, and girls will definitely love you for it. BUT. Have the self-respect to EXPECT SOMETHING BACK at some point in time. If the girl for whom you are doing all this awesome shit just takes and takes, leave. Self-respect is much more important than the ‘tang in these situations.

Girls: If your guy geek does something really sweet for you, don’t just take it. You can’t just expect that he’ll keep doing this stuff because he doesn’t realise how great it is. TELL HIM HOW GREAT IT IS. And then, follow that oft-repeated maxim of creative writing, “Show, don’t tell”. Show him that the fact that he’s doing something awesome for you means something by doing something thoughtful and awesome for him. That way you can both be all like FUCK YEAH MUTUAL AWESOME.

Right, rant over. Anyway, all the geeks that aren’t Tim and OMG ALSO TIM walk into a room and they’re wondering what the deal is with the alcohol and giant pink novelty calculator. T.V. host that isn’t Tim says something about the geeks working on Martinis. Also the beauties have to do some arithmetic. They don’t know what that’s about. Everyone except for Tim is shown trying incredibly hard to get them to learn arithmetic via methods like clothes pricing and exercise. Presumably this is because Tim was able to teach Tim’s beauty that isn’t Tim maths in its entirety. All of it.

The beauties’ challenge is to do maths with spiders, stick insects, cockroaches, and witchetty grubs. Tim sums this activity up with a very good impression of a Harrier Jump Jet. Essentially there’s a lot of screaming until aforementioned sleeping beauty that isn’t Tim ends up winning by performing this impressive bit of mathematics:

Three orb spiders + a cockroach + another bigger cockroach + a stick insect + witchetty grub = 100.

BatGeek Australia: we teach numbers good. Anyway, so then television host that isn’t Tim unveils a crazy challenge for one of the beauties to eat a witchetty grub to earn immunity. And holy fucking shit folks, it’s on between Tim’s beauty that isn’t Tim and another beauty that isn’t Tim.  It’s pretty obvious that Tim has taken the time to teach Tim’s beauty that isn’t Tim some essential survival techniques, ‘cos she’s got that sucker down the hatch in no time. AND YES. YES. TIM AND TIM’S BEAUTY THAT ISN’T TIM EARN IMMUNITY! THE CROWD GOES WILD!

Knowing that Tim wasn’t in any danger meant that the rest of the episode was without the nervous fear that he might get eliminated and I’d have to, well, stop watching a television program. I have to admit I kind of tuned out while Hawaiian T-shirt geek that isn’t Tim had his dream come true: a legitimate reason to wear a Hawaiian T-shirt on national television. There were some things about cocktails and Tim made a funny about gravity when he threw a shaker too high and narrowly missed crushing the skull of Beardy geek that isn’t Tim. Or at least I really hope that was the reason. Actually, fun fact: Tim is blind in one eye, and therefore probably wouldn’t have been able to catch the damn thing if it had come down near him. Perhaps flinging it far away was a survival mechanism? Sneaky, Tim, very sneaky.

Eventually Asian geek that isn’t Tim wins the day, saving the arse of fiery redhead beauty that isn’t Tim who didn’t touch one single insect. Where’s the justice, eh? There’s some fun times in the evening, and Tim’s beauty that isn’t Tim and Tim get cosy while looking up at the stars. And if I hear the phrase “I just want to get to know you better” ONE MORE TIME, I WILL MARCH THROUGH THE SUBURBS OF PERTH WEARING A KITTEN‘S SKULL AS A CROWN. Scout master geek that isn’t Tim and beardy geek that isn’t Tim then went head to head, culminating with the Perth beauty that isn’t Tim and scout master geek that isn’t Tim getting eliminated. Sad to see Perth beauty that isn’t Tim get eliminated, she seems pretty nice.

A preview of next week plays and OOH OOH, you can see that Tim and Tim’s beauty that isn’t Tim are in the position of nominating people for eliminating! THAT MEANS TIM IS STILL IN ‘TIL AT LEAST THE FOURTH WEEK! FUCK YES! Also something about beardy geek that isn’t Tim (who is Tim’s competition for Tim’s beauty that isn’t Tim) being vilified for totally making out with one of the twins. I thought the point of the show was to transform geeks towards social norms? Doesn’t that mean they’re supposed to become jerks? I will never understand television. Roll the fucking credits, please.

No related posts.

photo credit: joshfassbind.com

I’ve just sat

through the first episode of Beauty and the Geek Australia. ‘Dubble-yew tee eff Phill’, I hear you say. ‘You have been known to scoff at regular reality television, and yet you’re willingly watching a series that seemingly takes advantage of your geeky brethren?’ Well, yes and no. It’s true that I don’t like reality television, but it’s also true that I’m going to sit through and enjoy every single damn episode of BatGA for the next six weeks. Why? Geek solidarity, that’s why. It also doesn’t hurt that my good friend Tim just happens to be The Fucking Sex of this series. I vowed to blog my experience of being entertained at my friend’s expense, so here we go. Obviously my focus will be on Tim because, well, he’s my mate. If you don’t like that, bog off to one of the other geeks’ mates’ blogs. Those of you who expect a sense of logic and decorum from my blog posts, look awaaaayyy….now.

The opening sequence was masterful. Eight geek stereotypes gliding into the mansion grounds on some kind of motorised scooters. Why they thought scooters and not Segways, I have no idea. Into the house the geeks went. The beauties were next, having been transported into the mansion grounds by vehicles that could not only go faster than I can walk, but were driven by other people. The beauties were made to sit down and ‘bid’ on geeks as they were revealed on a giant conveyer belt. Tim made possibly the corniest astrophysics pick up line in the history of astrophysics pick up line. Fortunately the history of astrophysics pick up lines started about an hour ago, so he’s safe there. He had a couple of bidders and one of the girls noted that his hair was better than hers. You’re damn right it’s better than yours, and [SPOILER ALERT] we mourn its loss greatly.

Anyway, all the geeks got picked, so no-one was left out. Woo! After a mild bit of shenanigins in the spa and Tim proposing a nautical toast that I guess he learned on the Leeuwin, the first challenge was presented. Geeks had to make bikinis for the beauties to step out in. In 90 minutes. Except it wasn’t 90 minutes, and it wasn’t just bikinis. But that’s insider information and we won’t go into that. Actually we will. I heard from a source very close to the show that in fact that 90 minutes was 40 minutes. And it wasn’t just a bikini, it was a dress and applying the girls’ makeup. Those dresses the beauties were standing in at the end? The geeks made them. Not bad, eh? And if you were wondering why all the beauties had complexions that wouldn’t have made it past the mirror, well, now you know.

Anyway, some guy that wasn’t Tim won and it was revealed to everyone that the tall olive-skinned one was a twin. And the grin on Paleontologist that isn’t Tim threatened to split his fucking neck. Anyway, more stuff about people that weren’t Tim and it was onto the next challenge. Flight.The beauties had to construct things and the geeks had to stand there and try not to shout patronising instructions. Let’s pause here and consider this. GEEKS had to NOT INSTRUCT PEOPLE on HOW TO DO SOMETHING. I’m astounded that one or two of them didn’t spontaneously combust with the effort required to not tell their beauties how shit fits together. Bravo boys, bravo.

Anyway, next the geeks came out in spandex suits and, yes, Tim, I did look at your junk and I have two things to say:

a) I’m impressed, and;

b) High five for being a lefty.

So then a bunch of guys that weren’t Tim jumped off a bridge into Darling Harbour. One of them even got winded, so I was almost interested. But then Tim suited up in a coyote helmet and managed to KICK OFF a CARDBOARD ROCKET in MID AIR. Seriously, play that shit back and tell me he didn’t manage to get an extra metre or so from his acrobatics. Stuntman in the making, says I. So Mr. Twins wins and his smile extends to somewhere at the back of his head and we all head back to the house. Here’s the sad bit coming up. Tim cries tears of pure, manly pleasure as he realises he has not been picked. Somehow he manages to make a neckerchief look not totally gay. There’s a quiz between one of the geeks that isn’t Tim and another of the geeks that isn’t Tim. Also beauties that aren’t Tim. Somehow the beauties don’t know the answers to questions that are simple but outside their experience, oh aren’t they stupid?

NO. NO THEY’RE NOT STUPID. IGNORANCE IS NOT STUPIDITY. FUCK YOU AND THE JUDGMENTAL HORSE YOU RODE IN ON. IT’S PATHETIC MOTHERFUCKERS LIKE YOU THAT MAKE PEOPLE NOT ASK QUESTIONS. NOT KNOWING SOMETHING ISN’T A CRIME. SIT THE FUCK DOWN.

Anyway, so the geeks get a couple of questions wrong as well. It’s a tie-breaker. The one geek that isn’t Tim hazards a guess at 30 while the another geek that isn’t Tim goes for geek cred with 42. Fist bump to the another geek that isn’t Tim. We cool. You lost, but we cool. Everyone cries a bit, the another geek that isn’t Tim and his beauty get eliminated, and credits roll.

Hell yes, I am addicted.

No related posts.

(all photos are homage to Mark‘s style)

A week or so ago, I purchased a couple of grab bags from the Bird in the Hand zine shop. BitH started as a passionate endeavour of Susy Pow! (exclamation mark required, just like Malki!) but was given further legs by the great Renew Newcastle project run by Marcus Westbury which allowed it to move into a real-life retail space. How great is that? Anyway, today I woke up with the great idea of liveblogging my opening of the package and reading of all the zines within. And that’s just what I did. Read on McGuff.

2010/8/29–01:08 pm
Sketchbook No. 4 by Brendan Halyday — $4
Starts with a disclaimer about how long it took for the z to be made, compared to the previous 3 sketchbooks. First few pages are kind of observational humour one-shots. Love Brendan’s line control, various thicknesses, etc. The picture of the man spitting out his teeth in a mess of ink is pretty great. A lot of the latter half of the z is personal, mostly to do with how Brendan feels about a recent break up, I think? The first few sketches of the girl in question are rough and half-finished, she hasn’t a face in a couple of them. Later, they become more defined as Brendan comes to term with it. z finishes with Brendan realising that this sketchbook has become a way of saying goodbye to the woman he loved. Very touching piece of work, I hope Brendan is getting on okay.

2010/8/29–01:17 pm
Stairway To Nowhere by Leigh Rigozzi (2nd printing, 54/100) — $5
Gorgeous cover, love ‘Birds in the wind’ (after a relative?). The inside back and front covers are cool as well; old photos of landscapes painted over with ghosts and clouds. Mainly mixed media throughout—I’m not good at talking art, so I won’t try here. Fav would probably be the repainted, anthropomorphised ‘Northenmost petrol station’.

2010/8/29–01:21 pm
I <3 Poor Spelling & Bad Grammar by Amanda — $1
Very cute. Amanda can’t spell and doesn’t use proper grammar. Favourite part of the rant/story was the line ‘I wish I could cover all my mistakes with a picture of a reindeer’. Also, the anecdote about the ‘lost dobby’ was so very true; sometimes it takes that kind of innocent laying bare to make us want to sit up and help.

2010/8/29–01:28 pm
I am my cats keeper & other miscomunications by George — $7
A collection of 12 fine-lined (not the pen, just the thinness of the lines) designs that could easily find a place on a person’s skin, or one of those crazy cool design blogs or tumblrs. Love the hand-stitching and the better=than-average grade paper.

2010/8/29–01:31 pm
Disposable Camera by Vanessa Berry — $3
It’s surprising me how personal some of these z are. This one is kind of a wander around the skull of Vanessa; she tells us how her mind is layered. Love the supermarket analogy, very appropriate. After a clever ‘Thought Map’ foldout, there’s a couple of tales about rabbits, finishing with a fervent hope of urban rabbit guerilla warfare. Nice.

2010/8/29–01:44 pm
Night Of A Thousand Tears by Pasquale Barilla (illustrated by Mechelle B) — $2.50
Now this is a z I can identify with. A charming tale of the rediscovery of Mario All Stars on the Super Nintendo, and the brother/sisterhood that formed when trying to finish the insanely difficult Lost Levels. Again, love the hand-stitched paper, and the statistics of the game were great.

2010/8/29–01:48 pm
Make out with Louise on the couch for a few minutes.
Break to go hang out my washing and make a coffee.

2010/8/29–02:01 pm
Just quit it. by Amanda (again) — $0.50
A memoir of jobs written as a reminder to Amanda and a piece of advice to others that it is totally okay to quit a job. They’ll get over it. You’ll get over it. Especially liked the shredded tax return design of this one. The fact that this was the cheapest z of all of them means something as well, I think.

2010/8/29–02:05 pm
Crimes to the Face! #1 by Ive Sorocuk (I think, that was his email) — $2
Not really one for me, I don’t think. Kind of a weird Johnny/Zim thing going on here, except not quiiite as well done.

2010/8/29–02:11 pm
Stopped to check email/sites, have a small nap, and some make snacks.

2010/8/29–02:46 pm
Next Stop Adventure! #one by Matt Gauck — $4
The story of a man who decided to go for a bike ride. Actually the story of a man who raced his friend to a place called Coward. On a bike made for an 11 year-old. Really the story of how a man discovered a love for adventure after 400 miles and $4. Well-written, funny, and thoughtful with charming little illustrations throughout.

2010/8/29–02:49 pm

Basic Wage Kids by Owen Hietmann — $4

Damn it, laptop battery almost dead. Gonna charge it for a half hour and come back.

2010/8/29–03:37 pm

And we’re back.

A collection of comic strips from the Basic Wage Kids webcomic. It’s not bad. I prefer my webcomics to be about gaming and/or dinosaurs, so some of the jokes likely went over my head. But it’s got a clean style and vaguely interesting characters. Probably better for someone who’s been in a college band before.

2010/8/29–03:40 pm
July 25th by Amanda (again again) — $1
Well now, this is interesting. This z is written about a year or so before the ‘Just quit it’ z, and starts by explaining that Amanda has just found her friend a job as a designer, while she herself is in her dream job of 3 years. Interesting then that ‘Just quit it’ finds them both hating their jobs and making a pact to quit the next July. A year from this z being made. How coincidentally lovely. The z itself is about Amanda trying to write the z for International Zine Day. So make that meta and coincidentally lovely.

2010/8/29–03:47 pm
The Garbage Truck Failures by James Andre, Bobby N, and Brendan Halyday (again) — $4
A series of a mixture of graphically designed shorts, poems, comics and graphics. Easy to see where Brendan has done the graphics, but I also like the new guy’s style. The words are kind of beat meets grit. I like it, reminds me of nonculture’s words. I can imagine it being great for spoken word.

2010/8/29–03:54 pm
Nanoworks by a whole bunch of people from the TINA workshops — $?
Don’t really have time to read through this entire thing, but the overall impression was one of tht kind of sketchy, vignette-ey writing that comes from writing workshops. I like that kind of thing, for the record. With a bit of backing money also comes better quality of print and cover design. Remembered how much I fucking love brown cardboard while reading this.

2010/8/29–03:58 pm
Sing Me To Sleep: An annotated bibliography of sad boy songs by Pauli Bryon (I think) — $4 (with bonus CD)
A collection of reviews of songs (a bibliography) with the common theme of being sung mostly by sad boys, and the introspection of the author when it coems to his tendency towards them. Some killer tunes in here, including Triffids, Smiths, Editors, Arcade Fire, etc. The author has shown some serious music chops in my eyes. Shall have to read this properly when I have time to pop the CD into a player. Shall have to buy a player too, else I’ll have to be reading in my car.

2010/8/29–04:02 pm
You, You, and You by someone — $?
These are an interesting trio. They are alternately sealed with staples, tape, and saliva, so the act of opening them destroys them to more or less of an extent. I think I’ll save them for when I have a truly quiet moment. I like the fact that such a simple thing—sealing the piece of writing—can have such a profound effect on my treatment of them. Says something about the value we place on objects.

2010/8/29–04:04 pm
And that about wraps it up. Total monetary value of the z collections was $46 + $? + $? + an afternoon of peeking into people’s lives + a bunch of email addresses of interesting people = great value for the $40 outlay. And I can pass them on at Christmas and birthday times. Highly recommend ordering a grab bag for yourself and doing the same; it’s a gentle kind of voyeurism.

No related posts.