First, let me
start by apologising for the lateness of this post. I’ve been interrogated by various folk over the past few days as to when my intepretation of last episode’s events was going to appear, and various placatory assurances have been given. Rest assured, dear reader, that I was merely giving myself the time to grieve before delivering my eulogy. Without further ado, here we go.
Alright, start off with a re-show of all the makeovers just to make absolutely certain that we’re all aware that all the geeks are totally hot right now. In the challenge room T.V. show host that isn’t Tim informs them all that the beauties that aren’t Tim are going to be archeologists for the day at a dig site. My mind is immediately filled with images of the beauties that aren’t Tim slaving over tiny chunks of pottery in ridiculous heat, using brushes to carefully extract the history of our civilization.
Nope, turns out it’s mud wrestling. With inanimate objects. And the geeks are going to be dancing/singing in/with a boy band. Tim’s beauty that isn’t Tim kind of loses it. Bruce Lee starts humming Kun-Fu fighting, which proves how witty he really is, making a joke BEFORE HE WAS EVEN AWARE of his own second nickname. James Bond does some kind of weird thing with his head (I can’t really remember what it was that he did, but my notes say it reminded me of something like this). He also pretends to be a gorilla in preparation for the challenge.
Before that though, Tim has what seems to be a very oddly and carefully worded exchange with Tim’s beauty that isn’t Tim. Tim’s beauty that isn’t Tim says that Tim is like family, reinforcing every single stereotype of geeks being permanently in the friend zone on national television. THANKS TIM’S BEAUTY THAT ISN’T TIM.
Anyway, back to the mud-wrasslin’. All the beauties that aren’t Tim are basically rocking the Lara Croft look, but with a much higher poly count. Turns out they have to go into a mud pit and grab out random items and place them in chronological order. I can just imagine the producers pitching this one:
Producer #1: Mud wrestling. We have to get mud wrestling in there somehow.
Producer #2: What? But it’s got nothing to do with anyth–wait a minute. WE GET HISTORY FROM DIRT. MUD WRESTLING IS HISTORY K LOLZ.
Producer #1: HERP DERP HISTORY DIRT WRASSLIN’ BOOBS AMERICAN FRAT HOUSE CLICHES HAHAHA LOLOL
If someone could possibly clear up how chicks wrestling in mud is at all sexy, leave a comment. Please, it bothers me.
Anyway Bruce Lee’s beauty has perhaps her very first flattering camera shot and it’s one where she is covered in mud. Too bad, El-Lee. Speaking of which, the general consensus in my group is that Ellie-May has done precisely fuck all the entire series, leading me to suggest that her first name be changed by deed poll to Ellie-May-Not. Again, the geeks are not allowed to tell the beauties anything, which leads me to wonder how strictly this might be followed given they have had time to formulate ways of telling their beauties how to do things in the meantime. If I were one of the geeks that aren’t Tim (as Tim would never stoop to such base immoral behaviour), I’d totally have worked out a series of subtle signals. Anyway, beauty with incredible…personality that isn’t Tim winds up smashing this challenge, and she and James Bond have the unenviable position of having to nominate someone later in the show. Then the girls spray each other off in slow motion. Honestly, have any shame Mr. Producers? What’s that, none whatsoever? Right. Gotcha.
Geek challenge next and some random guys rock up to the mansion and all the beauties that aren’t Tim go a little bit spastic. This is Thominem’s chance to shine choreographically, since he can’t sing for balls. Probably something to do with the fact that he sounds a bit like Microsoft Sam. Tim trying to sound like a rapper is admittedly pretty hilarious, but hey, if Jerry can slay a crowd, anyone can. The geek band is named Geek Unit which, I dunno, they could’ve at least but in something starting with ‘p’ in the middle there to get a little meta. Geek Profit Unit? Geek Pimp Unit? Fuck yeah, that last one. So the geeks turn up and there’s a fairly respectable crowd to watch all the geeks that aren’t Tim do random moves and look slightly less awkward than I thought they would. Tim goes for an elbow stand and deliberately stacks it to make his peers look better. Apparently he ended up with a mild concussion and a slightly fused vertebrae after that, and was warned he should stay conscious to ensure that no internal haemorrhage was present in his brain. If that’s not metal, I dunno what is. Anyway, Bruce Lee wins this round, obviously due to his ability to FLOW LIKE WATER.
Back at the mansion and Tim is having a bit of a shitfight with Tim’s beauty that isn’t Tim. This makes for some of the most surreal conversation I’ve ever been witness to as Tim apologises for not doing the triangle leg hop and going for the elbow stand to whatever. Honestly, there is no scene that could ever be conceived that would so remove the concept of reality in reality television in my mind. Tim’s beauty that isn’t Tim is obviously nonplussed by Tim’s emotion. I’m not sure if that makes her an un-empathic child or an insightful observer of the gap between reality on display.
To the nomination stairs now, and Bruce and El-Lee nail The Fonz and Fonzette for obvious reasons, while James Bond and beauty with enormous…personality vote Tim and Tim’s beauty that isn’t Tim. Reason cited is that Tim’s beauty that isn’t Tim is not as devoted as Tim. Tim’s beauty that isn’t Tim says that Tim is perfect. Well, duh? The topic of the quiz will be pop music, which is just REALLY FRAKING GREAT as Tim is so metal his balls clang when he walks.
The beauties get asked about Australian history which, let’s face it, is a bit unfair since you can count the number of students that actually know anything about Australian history on one hand. Tim’s beauty that isn’t Tim has a question that’s not about Aussie history, but muffs it up when she doesn’t realise that a stool groom was someone who wiped the King’s arse. Fonzette really should have known the Ned Kelly question, given it’s tattooed across Ben Cousin’s drug-distended belly.
0-0 at half-time and it’s up the geeks to fight it out. Tim makes a gloriously deadpan joke while answering a question about Katy Perry, but then, like the rest of us, has no fucking idea who New Kids On The Block are/were and misses out on answering the question adding up member numbers. But Fonz also manages to miss a question about some lesbian with a bad haircut, so it’s down to a tie-breaker.
Now, I’m not going to retread this scene, because it’s too painful, but let me say this:
- I’m standing by my comment that the second person has a very obvious advantage in any ‘closest-to-pin’ guessing game. I mean, sure, Tim made it really fucking easy for Fonz when he accidentally made a joke about Madonna’s age rather than attempting to answer the question, but still. Even if he had said an age close to her real age, it’s a lot easier for the second person to think ‘Hm, is she older or younger than that?’ rather than ‘How old is she, actually?’
- Also, let’s face it, she could really be 68.
So Fonz and Fonzette win, and Tim and Tim’s beauty that isn’t Tim are off the show. And so ends my brief foray into the realm of reality television (that isn’t Masterchef). Look forward to my post next week where I completely fail to give a fuck about anything that happens.