What you see

above is the worst car I have ever had the misfortune of cringing at in Perth. How is it the worst? Let me count the ways:

1. It is a Nissan trying hard to be a Beetle: Never mind the fact that the new Voltswagon Beetle itself is a cutesy bubblegum car that deserves to be painted with C4 and thrown into a bushfire. Nissan have outdone themselves with curves on the boot that hints at vehicular cellulite, there’s not a straight line in sight. It’s like staring at the back end of a Biggest Loser contestant. What happened to the stylings of muscle cars? Or even just athletic or exercises-a-bit-and-doesn’t-eat-too-many-fatty-foods cars?
2. It is pink: Pink belongs on closet homosexual metrosexual guys. Not on cars, not even with a cool metallic paint.
3. It has one of those irritating little yellow signs on it: Unfortunately my camera phone isn’t very good, and I can’t recall if it was actually a ‘Baby On Board’ sign. But it looks like it could have been, and that’s good enough for me. I don’t really understand the need to announce that there is a small child in your car. I am overwhelmed with information daily as it is, and knowing that you have a child isn’t something I give a shit to know. The only thing I can think of the signs being useful for is if I suddenly lost brakes and had to choose who to plow my car into. In that case the yellow signs would suddenly become the plastic equivalent of pleading, desperate mothers,  imploring me to take out some older, less newly born citizen. But who the fuck are they to decide? And what’s to stop arseholes from buying a baby on board sign in order to stop future brake-less me from ending them? I can only conclude that baby on board signs are morally corrupt and should be banned.
4. It has an ‘ILOVEU2′ license plate: This point is so heinous that it needs two sub points of its own, representing the two possible interpretations of the license plate–

• The owner is assuming that whoever is driving behind them loves them, and is reciprocating that love in license plate form: This is stupid. Not to mention needy. The only possible reason I can imagine for this being the case is if the owner and his/her partner are in a really struict routine that always sees him/her leaving the house followed closely behind the partner. Then it’s maybe 4% romantic. But that leaves the only other option;
• The owner loves the band U2: I didn’t want to have to consider this option. There is a ‘People to hunt down and kill’ list in the office I share with all the other PhDs and post-docs and numbers one and two are occupied by Bono*. Everyone knows that U2 and the band members that make up U2 are ridiculous, so I’m not going to bang on about that. But I am worried about the density of Wank that has occured with announcing a love for U2 on a license plate. Customised license plates are shining beacons of Wank ordinarily, but combined with the Wank power of U2 and Bono…it doesn’t bear considering. If this car ever crashed into the Llama Bar or a herbal spa, the accumulated Wank would probably result in Armageddon.

So there you have it. The worst car in Perth. If the person who owns this car ever discovers this page, I invite them to comment on the points above. But since they are probably too busy listening to U2s latest insightful hit single, ‘Yeah Yeah Yeah Baby Yeah Yeah No’ I doubt it will ever happen.

*The full list is : #1 Bono, #2 Bono, #3 Ben Cousins, #4 Jamie Gold, #5 James Purnell, and #6 Gaussian Incorporated.

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